Before the response allow me to preface with this:
Have you ever felt that if someone loved you enough then he/she wouldn't betray you? Have you thought that if you bent over backwards to please, tried to be a perfect supportive partner then love would be enough to "protect" n "secure" the relationship? Does the intimate history or time invested in a relationship establish a firm foundation to keep it on going?
Suppose the conversation inside your head sounds like this:
If I had done something better, different or did more he/she wouldn't have cheated on me. If I was physically more attractive, if I had behaved differently, made different choices, it wouldn't have happened. If I was younger, more intelligent, more attentive, less wrapped up in myself, not ill, etc. there wouldn't have been an affair. Basically believing, if I was MORE WORTHY of the other person's love we would have survived as a couple!
What kind of thoughts are those.... sounds like self blaming thoughts! Aren't you hurting enough already from having your TRUST violated n from the shock of the facts? Why would you want to mentally abuse yourself with that type of continued counter productive internal conversation? FYI, blaming the other doesn't work either.
What about setting those egoic thoughts aside for a moment n stay with the feelings those thoughts evoke? Feel what you are feeling, cry, scream, write, sing a song at the top of your lungs, punch a pillow etc. to vent. When you feel like you are finished do it again n again when those feelings reappear. Then just "BE". "BE" in the moment, by yourself in an uninterrupted place, maybe a private place outside in nature. Take a few deep cleansing breaths. After just "BEING" when you are ready begin to mentally list everything you can think of for which you are GRATEFUL. For example, "I am grateful for my children", "I am grateful for my friends", etc. Let the list go on taking more breaths as you reach a calm place. What about holding onto that calmness, that frame of mind while....
Now back to the orginal question of "how to transform".
Step 1 is already completed! YOUR AWARENESS. Asking the question indicates that you are ready for your next step. You have experienced the "issue", the turnmoil, the drama, the hurt, the problem n if you took the suggested tip above or did something else to find a moment of PEACE, give yourself a huge amount of credit n a hug for being able to accomplish that n for realizing transformation is your goal.
Step 2. What about keeping your focus on the solution?
What about staying out of the where you have already been? Namely, keep from giving the "what happened" any of your energy? Of course, you don't want to avoid, deny, or suppress your feelings so go ahead and repeat the above PEACE exercise whenever necessary. However, by repeating what happened, by discussing the facts with friends etc. you are fueling the unchangeable past. By not doing that you are limiting its power.
Step 3. What do YOU want?....What do YOU want your life to be like?
Imagine, what you want your next few minutes to be like, how do you want to feel, do something just for YOU, read a book, take a bubble bath etc. Keep going through your day minute by minute or hr. by hr. Whatever works for YOU!
Don't confuse this step with HOW you're going to get it the way you want it. When you are ready clearly decide what do YOU want? Notice the emphasis is on YOU! Not on what you think others want you to do, not on what you think you should do. Does this sound selfish? Some say yes because there are others involved, others to be considered. Sure that is a given n what about thinking about it this way....time for my famous airplane story. What the airline attendant says to do in case of an emergency....something like this...."for all of those with small children, please attend to your oxygen mask first" The first time I flew on a commercial airline was with my 2yr old n my 6 wk old sons n when I heard that I said to myself "no way my children come first!" Well, after 8 children n my second divorce I finally got it. If I don't take care of myself what good am I going to be for my children? You know the if mommy isn't happy saying. A TRUTH I learned the hard way at the cost of hurting my children! Soooooooo, what about listening to YOUR heart rather than YOUR head? Be honest with yourself, even if you only come up with 1 thing you know you want your life to be like write it down n as other qualities, values n standards appear to you write them down in a very detailed way.
Step 4. What is next?
What do you want to do?
If you decide you don't want to go it on your own what can you do? If you're asking me for a suggestion I highly recommend a Life Coach, specifically, www.ComfortCoachingConnection.com ;) Whatever you decide know transformation is a process which may include dealing with grief n forgiveness as well as other aspects of change. Meanwhile be gentle with yourself healing takes time n includes going from phase to phase. It must be done or else energy will get trapped in your physical body n will manisfest illness in some way n it's the only way you will be able to find PEACE!
You know where you've been....the problem.
You've shifted from the problem by focusing on solution strategies.
You've taken 1 or more action steps.
You're officially on your way in the process of transformation.
You know how you want to feel.
You know possibilities exist.
You know you have choices to make.
You know you are not alone, empowerment n support is available.
Know you deserve PEACE!
Know you deserve to Wholly Heal!
Know you will evolve to a higher self!
Know its time for SELF LOVE!
Sincerely in Spirit,